your voice

Every day I would record myself answering the question from the day before.

Oh, uh-huh.

and then answering the question

answering the question from the day before.

and then answering, asking my future self a question.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

So it would just be like...be like...

So it would just be like... be like...

yeah, I did do some self-care.

I took a bath today.

Thank you for asking.

And then I'd be like, and what about you?

Are you excited to move?

Then the next day I'd be like...

yeah, I think I am excited to move.

It'd be like, all the different locations.

Like maybe for example, out on a boat, you know...

asking and then answering...

And then the very next one is like me lying in bed.

Answering and then asking.

But I kind of want to do something like...

is this voice accurate?

Is this voice, like, lasting, you know, like...

hey, I don't know, like, hey, I'm talking

to you... you know...

Mm. Is this an addition to your voice?

How does it feel, you know?

Is this a newfound voice?

What are the differences?

Is it everything you wanted, you know?

Or is it, how is it different?

Fast forwarding to answering that as a new voice.

You know, time travel.

whenever I talked to...

other non-binary trans friends

I asked them, like...

if you were to, like, reborn again

would you still be queer... trans?

So like... I kind of was like...

kind of meditating on that question.

and also... like... asking people, like...

if you were to be reborn...

like... if there's a reincarnation...

like... like... what would you be?

And would that person...person or thing

being will be queer?

And would that person...person or thing

being will be queer?

Would I be a reborn queer?

I mean, the answer has to be yes.

The answer has to be yes.

Mm yeah... Maybe more about your surgery…

So you have to be silent for how long?

You said two months?

First month is no words whatsoever

Not a week, no coughing, no sneezing

I know I've been practicing. I'm gonna practice.

I'm just gonna stop coughing and sneezing. It's really hard

Yeah It's like your like body reflex.

I went and I had food the other day and I ate like a lemon

Mm-hmm...or like a pickle and it was sour and it made me cough

And I tried to stop myself halfway

because I was like, no, no, no...

I won't be able to do this and if it's like...

Mm-hmm... But I couldn't stop myself and...

it was... I was like... huh

Interesting... Mm Mm Mm

Yeah, it's really interesting...

But then second month...

you're allowed to speak two words a day.

Whisper two words a day which I'm like, I'd rather just not

I'd rather just not speak for two months

instead of having to choose two words Mm

It feels like a weird middle ground, you know

Wow, you're like all or nothing

This is... I can't imagine having a conversation

with my mom and being like...

Twith my mom and being like...

you know, like a deep conversation we're having...

and then I say two words like for my sisters...

you know, my dad and like...

yeah, no, I'd rather not.

Well, if I was in the position, I'm like...

whatever I have to say out loud has to be the most urgent

or has to be really insightful

Yeah, has to be so wise, really deep

That kind of reminds me of...

when I was working at an art school office

one of the professors...

we tried to get hold of him over the summer

and the automatic email response was...

I’m in my silent retreat in the desert for one month.

If you need to talk to me please reach out to my wife.

I think it changes you

Technically, you are also going on your silent retreat

not even one month but two months.

Okay, so my question to you…

Wait don’t look at me

Okay okay I’m just drinking water

What? Can I look now?

Yes, you can look now

Yes, you can look now?

Okay, okay. Yeah, you have permission.

five organs or anything

Of anyone... Anyone...

What order? Do I have to pick a person?

Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, that's really...

Wait, you can also say, like... another question.

Okay. Okay. Okay, good to know.

No, no, no. I think body part... I think it might be okay.

It's also because I'm... Like, are you... Are you…

Like, ten years later at a court, like...

there is, like, a voice memo of you talking all these.

we've spent the past couple weeks discussing...

Brazilian cannibalism theory...

And then I saw someone today and that came up...

and then others were recommending a movie

where Timothy Chalamet is a cannibal.

Wait, that's kind of funny.

It's so crazy and funny and good.

Okay. But that's what it's all about.

Okay. Let the record state if I am in court and you're not...

Okay. Wow, I’m a weirdo.

One of the first things that kind of, like, came up in my mind...

And then I'm also, like, kind of...

like, reflecting, like... what kind of parts that I like...

Fingers might be fun. Yeah. Oh, wow.

like, reflecting, like... what kind of parts that I like...

Has anybody said that?

Yeah. Blink twice if you're not okay. What else…

Cheek. I heard. I heard that any animal...

Yeah. Cheeks are actually pretty, like, tender.

And pretty flavorful. Yeah.

So that's three. So how many... Two more.

Two more? Oh, God. Okay.

Tongue… wait… tongue then fingers then cheeks?

Okay. What's the order?

Okay. I would say cheek first. Okay. Maybe tongue.

Finger, I'm going to wait around because I feel like...

I feel like there might be other parts. I'm like, why?

Why am I thinking really hard about this?

I feel like other body parts would be, like, too gamey.

Or, like, not that tender.

Okay. Wait. Now I actually want...

After I finish it, I do want to hear your...

When you say “now I actually…I want to taste…”

Now I wanna know what you are actually thinking about

I wanna know your list

I'm going to finish it like a champ.

You know what might as well. Let's put an eyeball there.

Has anybody said that?

Do I think that I regularly ask this question to people on dates?

Really? Never. Never? This is the first...

No, the conversation had an aspect of cannibalism...

So then we discuss. Okay. So then we discuss.

Okay, eyeballs. And what is the final…?

Ya… Actually…liver

Maybe it's, like, because of, like, the mythology.

There's, like, a nine tail fox.

And then, like, if you eat liver...

Like, like 100 livers from people...

that you can turn into a human...

I was thinking about that. Yeah.

But I don't know if it will actually taste good.

I was just like, if I were, but then I'm like...

for mythology's sake, I might try it. Yeah.

Not that I would actually do cannibalism.

But I think the last three are kind of out of order. But yeah.

Dipping fries into tomato soup

This feels really fitting to be eating right now.

We don't have to finish it (tomato soup).

No no no. It feels like cannibalism talk.

And then we're eating tomatoes.

Mushy red. Bloody looking.

Now I want to know your list

I feel like mine is influenced by your list.

Some parts of it you know

Eyeball, no. Not at all.

I think the ear lobes, just like a tiny little pocket…you know.

My mom used to bite me…

when I was like a baby I had really pink cheeks

then my mom would be like

Oooh I wanna bite that so much because they looked like apples.

Then I was a baby so obviously I can’t say no…

uhh one day she bit my cheeks then I burst out crying.

Why would you do that?

I get the urge but don’t you do that.

I think about that a lot now…

Cute aggression. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I was wrestling with a friend...

when we were wrestling I got like an urge to bite their back

There were like twelve people around us and mattress on the ground

in the woods and then people took turns wrestling

everyone was outside chant and watch

I didn’t and couldn’t (do it)

because there were so many people watching

But then I met up with a person in New York…

we played wrestling and I got the urge then and bit down on their back.

Um… and that was really nice.

So… like… maybe that?

Some soft flesh part of the back that I could bite and rip…

Earlobe, cheeks, back…

Ripping chunk out of the back… hmmm

ripping chunk out of the back… hmmm

like deep fried or something like crunchy

like cartilage, tendon…

for the final thing…

yeah, cause I had cow tongue before

I wish I had more like unique answers

that was pretty unique

when you said earlobe I was like whoa

Yeah just like juicy little bite

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ok let’s look at what I have

How would you describe your gender?

I think in the perfect world…

it wouldn’t be so binary

I think… it would be a little feminine but ambiguous and…

maybe mix and match a little

like yeah…like butch aspect sometimes…

but think because we are living in a society

in the context of gender is so relational

I somewhat call it my gender is indefinitely rooted…

not just a place of euphoria and also fear…

and that goes with voice as well

I feel like I don’t care too much about my voice.

and we are talking you know and other people talking…

so then it’s like bringing someone else

who is off the streets here or like...

then i become more aware of… my voice…

let’s say like YMCA changing rooms in Baltimore, Maryland

with my friend C and we are getting changed

and we are having a conversation and that conversation gets overheard…

someone in the changing room might get freaked out right?

“Who’s there?”

“There is a man in the room!”

and I’m standing here just like…

and even now in the bathrooms…

If I talk in bathrooms…

one time my phone slipped out someone there said

“Hey, who’s phone is on the floor?”

And I have to say, “Oh that’s mine”

and they would be like…

“Oh, who’s there? This is a women's restroom.”

aaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

And then if they see me and

then talking in the restroom in front of the mirrors

and they said “Oh, I love your outfits.”

I would be like “Oh, thank you so much.”

Then to them it’s like “Oh yeah, femme”

but the person in the bathroom stall who never met me

who hasn’t come out and seen me

it’s like why is there a…

kinda soft spoken feminine man out there

in this restroom… you know…

And for me it’s not coming from the places of like…

sometimes it's out of fear

But at least for while

I’m in the women’s restroom

it's less like... fear on my end...

and not wanting to make other people feel fear

I might terrify them, you know?

I don't want them to be

in the bathroom like…

nervous, scared or uncomfortable

I want to show them like...

…I’m not sneaking into the restroom

to prey upon…you know…

This is a nice safe women’s space…

but you can’t see me…

So I know that my voice is not as much for me…

While I’m traveling…

because I travel so much…

if I’m taking Lyfts or Ubers…

if I’m in Japan, Mexico…

and I’m in a city…

traveling places I have never been before…

and I have to navigate…

And everybody always has...

And everybody always has…

these adventure stories, right?

Oh, I went to Rome and...

I walked out of my hostel…

I walked out of my hostel...

and I had to hitchhike…

I found myself in these situations like…

So I want the option of…

like... I want to be the one

to disclose to people... if I’m trans or not…

if I’m in the situation…

to pass like… just enough

Maybe they'll be like...

they’d look at me, they're like...

“huh, she is really tall…”

but there is not enough doubt…

That’s what I want.

Then, with the people I feel safe with

“Oh yeah, I’m trans…”

There used to be a trans woman I knew

We talked about voices with her.

hey, why don't you voice train?

Like... Mm-hmm. Um...

because the voice I have...

because I'm a woman.

And the voice I have now...

Because I'm a woman.

Okay. You know? Mm-hmm.

Like... She's just, like

So this is a woman's voice.

That's so... Badass.

I say that all the time to people, too.

Why don't you voice train?

And I was, like... Oh, fuck that.

People have to get used to this.

It's a new era. Like...

So the next generation can run and...

Can just use their voice openly and freely.

I'm finding myself, like...

having said all these things for seven years.

And still believing that.

Anymore... You know?

I can't carry that baton.

You know? Or, like...

Any longer of, like...

Or, like, that burden.

And that weight of, like...

I wrote myself an instagram post two years ago…

don’t let the hands of…

don’t let the violence of men

mold and shape your body…

I don’t have a better choice…

I know that I’d feel more gender euphoric

But it is not entirely of my volition…

I think this is my gender

The blending of things I want

what society expects of me…

I’m transitioning into

you got me thinking and feeling

sometimes people say about gender affirming surgery

Coming from a place of pure excitement…

“I can’t wait”

“This is what I want”

In terms of voice…

one of the things that stood out to me…

when I was, like, at a front desk

administrative person who would have to

like, pick up phone calls.

So, whenever, like, I'd talk

they would think I'm, like...

immediately the attitude changed.

And then when that happens

and then jobs, like...

even though, like...

Like, when you have it on your email

Like, even if I have it

people don't respect that.

Like, it's a performance…

I don't think I have issues

with my own voice, necessarily.

It's more like there are moments when...

it's really about how people perceive me

‘cause your voice is same as me.

Like, it’s our voice

And we're so used to it in our heads.

It's weird being a human.

It's weird being a human...

I'm gonna record myself this week.

Asking the future self.

Does it make you happy?

I hope it makes you happy if you do that.